News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

 

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

 

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

 

CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

 

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

 

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.

 

Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

 

I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!

 

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

 

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

 

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

 

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

 

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

 

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

 

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

 

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?

 

What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.

 

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

 

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

 

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

 

What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.

 

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

 

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

 

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

 

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

 

WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

 

What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

 

Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.

 

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

 

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!

 

What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors

 

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up.

 

Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!

 

Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

 

I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

 

I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.

 

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.

For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.

 

What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.

 

Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.

 

Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.

 

Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!

 

What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!

 

What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.

 

How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.

 

Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?

A: We don't know. Never happens.

 

Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?

A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?

A: An f****ing know it all.

 

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

 

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

 

I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

 

Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.

 

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...

 

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

 

It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.

 

I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

 

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.

 

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

 

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

 

My Reality Check bounced.

 

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

 

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.

 

Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!


Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.

 

Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?

 

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

 

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back

 

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing

 

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

 

What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.

 

What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant

 

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

 

Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1

 

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.

 

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

 

Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering

 

How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.

 

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

 

If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?

 

Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"

 

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

 

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.

 

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.

 

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!

Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!

Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin

Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.

Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.

Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.

Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!

Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.

Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.